I’m not writing this to gloat or make twins in separation feels bad. Instead, I am writing this to help you understand certain key elements that occurred to make this happen. And also part of what happened after to show that yes, this process helps a TON.
I’m not sure what talked me through this giant process. It was a second knowing. And I have to say that connecting to twins and the tf community on Tumblr was totally essential to progressing it quicker. The faster you learn, the faster you are out. And I am very appreciative for the twins that helped me through. I’m an alcoholic and I still wont go to AA because I feel like I could do that myself. But the tf separation I couldnt handle and needed to seek help, therapy, those in the same situation to understand exactly how to deal with it.
I am also in a strange spot because I cannot expose my twin nor his details as that would be obnoxious. But I will say his perception, even knowing he was a twin, was that we were broken up. Not separated. So that made it easier for him to progress in a natural fashion to learn the things he needed to learn on his side.
I held on for dear life. For at least 1.5 years. Maybe a little less. KNOWING I had to move on and let go. Remember..moving on and letting go during separation is just refocusing on yourself with pinpoint precision. I did go through certain therapies. I did a ton of core belief work. I broke a lot of false beliefs and illusions. I talked to a ton of twins and did lots of research on patterns. I needed to get us out. I needed to get me out. And it really helped focusing on the positive things and people who are in my life.
It was when I naturally let go over the past 8 or so months that things began to fall into place. And I was fine. I did think about him, but as a tf symbol. Not of our times together as that would be too painful. I locked him away. And as I did, I began doing new things. Really focusing on what I love. And I made new friends. My perception shifted and I felt very grateful. Things were good again.
Last Friday night I got the email that was a response from almost two years ago. I didnt call or text my twin for almost 2 years because I knew, it wasnt my place to. he would have to get in touch with me when he was ready.
I felt it a bit reserved and understandably. It had been two years since we spoke. Over the next few emails I mirrored that. And he began to back away. I was still hurt. I was allowing my ego to hold the wall up. It wasnt until Sunday night that I ended up realizing that I was creating this ego wall and I broke down and wrote him an email with my true feelings about him now to reset the tone and wash the ego parts away from our connection.
We have both changed A LOT. I’m less needy and frantic. He is more mature. And our exchanges have been 95 % positive minus a few here and there.
And then last night happened. I totally lost my shit after thinking about how hurt I was over him being gone for so long. And I had been drinking. Which I still havent stopped but MUST.
An aside: I could down a bottle of wine and be sweet to each and every one of you, but with my twin, it just doesnt fly. It never did. The intensity of our energy makes it so that we reverberate the non-truth and negative back and forth out of each other. The times that I drank around him were SO BAD. Like HORRIFIC! This never happened with anyone else that I dated or even was around. And this will happen with any bad behavior you have yet to eliminate. The second that email came in, my almost first thought was, “Welp, time to quit drinking again” Use separation to eliminate your bad behaviors as best you can. I thought I had more time to fix it, but I’m glad I don’t.
However, our fights have now changed to be a lot less brutal. We understand we are coming from a place of love, we know what we had to go through to get here and our ultimate goal is to work together and live life through with each other. We are finally in that mindset. But you add in me being slighty buzzed, upset about the time it took and the conditions under which it did and that’s a powderkeg of dynamite. He did so well with me last night and today, coming back to the positive and to love. I am truly impressed. However, I understand that I cannot abuse this love. If I do, it will go away again and so I have to be very careful in all that I do.
What was interesting to me was that I could sense it coming. After the Universe said it, 5 months ago, I kinda forgot about it. I was so wrapped up in the great energy of the new people and events in my life that it was no longer a situation. I had the urge a week prior to finally shut down my tf blog because I didnt need to focus on that anymore. I had finally given up! But could feel him yearning to try it again. There were major signs the week and month before. I was having very odd dreams too. The day of the email coming in, my ipod was changing to songs that would make me think of him, I felt sad at one point, which i dont feel anymore, I was talking to the air to him and also I could feel his anxiety physically. But I didnt really think anything weird of it because I had dealt with these signs for so long that I just ignore them and push them away.
We had balanced our energy enough to take this on again. The work hasn’t ended. Oh, trust me. But we are very transformed and better equipt now to deal with this. He’s so different, the vibe and energy is so strong and positive from him, I’m just like: is that you? Knight in shining armor or something! If I told you the texts he sent me, you would melt! Yowwwcchhhhh!!!
It is like a Chinese finger cuff: you have to do the opposite of what feels natural. You want to pull them back in, to get their attention, to send them love, to give to them, but you have got to do the opposite. Release the hold. Best to ignore and go do you. You must raise your own vibration and really be involved in your life. This is how the energy balances. We are both very busy with our own projects now and have way more to bring to the table in the behavioral and love realms.
I am going to see him in a few weeks and we are both so excited.
I am so grateful for the twins that helped me, who help me still and have been there for me during the hardest time of my life. I love you all very much! You have become family to me. ❤ Thank you.