I like talking to twins and (attempting to) guide them through the beginning of separation. I’ll give you tips and pointers and explain to you what is going on underneath the whole picture because most twins have no clue why they are mirroring so badly.
And this is how it works. Things get ugly. The twins break up.
But what if they don’t?
This is the second time I’ve talked to a twin that just will not accept or move into separation. It’s like watching a child kicking and screaming, being dragged away from their twin. Then 3 days later I get the email ,”Oh, were talking again and everything is back to normal. Why does this happen?”
Because you’re allowing it. Because you are not using your self-respect and instead allowing yourself to fall deeper into a hole. Because you’re in a weak position and not using the best of judgement. Because you even fear separation.
I used a similar story to explain my position being the tf friend/helper: “I’m your alcohol counselor and you tell me you’ve quit and then you go through withdrawal and then three days later you’re back on the sauce. You are fine because you have quenched the addiction. But what happens when you go back in again? Over and over and over, constantly telling me how strong you are, but me watching and knowing..”
I can’t watch and listen to the whole story, all the drama, the crying, the not going to work, the I feel like shit today so I did nothing,the frown and tears emojis, the I can’t stop thinking about them IF you are not willing to listen and help yourself.
I, myself, as a recovering “addict,” have learned that it is important to put up BOUNDARIES. These are invisible, but they work quite well. Like making a pact to NOT stalk your twin. Or not talking to negative people. Or cutting off twins that want to keep hurting themselves.
I just cannot do it. Your emotions get absorbed into me. I get 7,000 WhatsApp messages in one day from one twin. And then it’s over. And then its on. And then it’s over..yadda. I can’t watch you hurt yourself over and over. It hurts me to watch you do it to yourself. And then I have to put up a boundary and cut you off until you have finally made the correct decision of sticking with big, bad separation.
I understand how you feel. “I have unconditional love for this person? Why can’t I just love them?” Because you are not loving YOURSELF first, disregarding any type of self-respect and dignity and keep going into war with a dirty mirror. The dirty mirror being your beliefs and behaviors that have not been cleaned yet.
That should tell you something. On the first page of this website, I state that we do still have to stick to old-fashioned dating rules. This doesn’t change because you’re a twin. “Just because we are each other,” is still not negotiable and you must adhere to self-respect, calm, balance, dignity, kindness, gentleness, correct pace and timing. Stalking every social media site your twin is on and flipping out because they blocked or unblocked you is not indicative of a well-balanced relationship. It should be a wake up call. Even better: WOULD YOU DATE YOU?
Postulate a few theorems on that one.
If not, ask yourself why. And then begin to fix those areas.
The longer you resist separation, the more frayed the relationship gets and looking back at it one or three or five years later, you say to yourself, “Geez, I wish I just cut it off clean and walked away.” Kinda like dying young, so you stay pretty. There is something to be said for just letting go and walking away.
Plus, the longer you resist it, the longer it will be until you reach it and in effect, the longer it will be before reunion. You are slowing the process with fear. And your twin is watching all of your unclean behavior and getting TURNED OFF by it.
Another question asked of young twins fresh into separation is “When will I know that we are to reunite?” The longer you are in separation, the better you yourself can feel your own needs and growth and strengths. YOU KNOW. It is deep in yourself and you can feel it. I ask myself the question from week to week,” Do I want my twin back yet?” Sometimes it is YES. Most of the time, a resounding NO comes up. Why? Not in our condition, I’m not ready, he’s still acting like a child..etc.
See most people don’t ask themselves the questions and when you ask them, they don’t even know how to answer. Questions like “What would make you happy?” “Would you date yourself?” “Do you like who you are as a human and why?” “Do you want your twin flame to come back and why or why not?” Very much like painting lifelike: you think the answer is one thing, but when you really look at it, it’s a totally different answer than you thought.
My advice to twins new to separation. Relax. It’s gonna be awhile. The longer you are in, the easier it gets.Think of all of the things you want to accomplish in your life and focus on that.