My father’s icky diary

My father passed ten years ago in September and I figured it was time to clean the paperwork up and let it go. Ten years ago we found his diary in this pile and read very few short exerpts before we realized we didnt want to read anymore. Why? He tore us to pieces in many ways, gave us horrible names, was totally ungrateful for everything we had done for him.

Today I read some choice sentences involving my mother and myself and my sister. This then extended to the rest of everyone who was in his life.I texted my sister afterwards about it and said I was going to burn these because there was no reason this negativity had to reach anyone else. She thought it would be good therapy for my mother to read them since she was married to him for 17 years and still had a lot of anger towards him. Im thinking I probably should not have, but its too late. But Im not writing this blog to decry, poor me and my family.” I’m writing it because I feel very sad for him.

His perception of everyone and everything was so skewed from reality. He was selfish and narcissistic, ultimately making him unable to except responsibility for his own emotions and actions and was very ungrateful. He was not grateful for anything. And his life reflected it. He was a brilliant engineer but was afraid, based in his own fears of self-worth and instead took shit jobs doing sales instead of excelling. He festered and emotionally brought about a horrible bout of rheumatoid arthritis. He lost his sales job and my mother divorced him, eventually building her own business and putting my sister and I through college HERSELF. But he was always the victim. She also put him through college too. He could never accept that she was fearless in this sense and had a can do attitude.

Twins come to me for advice through separation. Some are very angry and hurt and depressed. I tell them you have to do your own stuff and look at whats around you and be grateful. That is the only way we’re gonna get through it. To be happy with what we have in the present moment.

If your twin is here or if they are not, it doesnt change whether you are happy with yourself. My father was not happy with himself and instead of take charge and fix that, he blamed everybody and everything else.

I am guilty for being ungrateful. I have overlooked many things and forgot how to be. But I have learned over the past two years that this is where positivity comes from. Being grateful for what you have. This then reverberates through me energetically and brings better opportunities. I can see the beauty even in bad situations.

There is a way to thrive amidst the muck and it comes from your perception. Your mind, your perception, the way you see things has everything to do with how reality forms and builds around you.

Be grateful for what you have.

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